The American Monarchists - Say It Ain't So

Gossip columns including my favorite daily rag,"The Daily Dish" in the San Francisco Chronicle, regularly publish the shocking tales of egotistical celebrities and their outlandish requests.

What was on the menu this past week? Sting goes to a *posh* Miami eatery with his own personal chef in tow. The Dish reports that his assistant made these special arrangements beforehand (as a former personal assistant, any good celebrity does this). Earlier in the week, Prince requests old-fashioned popcorn as part of his deal to headline a concert. Before that, Babs demands hotel employees to avert their eyes when speaking to her. Did they really need to be told this?

Don't people already know that if you look deep into the eyes of a celebrity, you will be fired up, zapped away, time-warped and incinerated by their steely gaze into an alternate universe full of designer couture, E! True Hollywood Story reruns and David Beckham posters? Or maybe, they just don't want you to know they lack a soul - the kind us normal folk have. The truth, such a request is not all that preposterous. In the world of celebrity, actors are the royals and everyone else is, well, those peons who do their bidding.

It's kind of ironic that my favorite celebrity rag, and as far as I know, the only one that associates itself with a big city newspaper like the San Francisco Chronicle, is, well, a product of the city by the bay. The Chronicle is liberal....very liberal. They are environmental, intellectual, and I'm sure quite anti-monarchical.

And yet, celebrities are far less worthy than your decent run of the mill monarch. Celebrities, for example, make more money and have less good works to show for it. Unless third-world baby collecting à la Angelina counts as good works. They chose to be a celebrity - in fact, that was their goal. I wonder how many child monarchs over the course of history felt conflicted, depressed or under-prepared for their role. Ask any celebrity (or just plain any actor) and they feel they deserve all the great things they get. They aren’t conflicted. Shoot, they are the crème de la crème! Gods gift to everyone!

This also applies to lukewarm celebrities, even cold celebrities. Does anyone watch Kathy Griffin's "My Life on the D-List?" Sure she's funny and the fact that her personal assistant has a personal assistant is a hoot (actually, I could have used a personal assistant when I was a P.A.), but even she herself mentions she is a D-list celebrity – and do you see how she lives? I wish I was a D-List celebrity to live in a bangin’ Hollywood Hills home like that.

So no matter what level of celebrity-dom someone belongs to, they all feel entitled. And, in a way, that’s part of the attitude required to be successful in the entertainment business. But it’s not all. ‘Cause most of the Midwestern-transplants, college dropouts and the assortment of actors and singers in the L.A. area feel entitled but they don’t deserve a damn.

The other part of the equation is hard work and perseverance. You are not going to get by only with a pretty face and a nice rack. You have to work hard and be diligent. You have to be shrewd and conniving. You can’t just be in the right room – you have to know how to work it.

So maybe that’s why people put up with so much from famous actors and actresses. They know how to get what they want. And as far as all the peons of normal people, or celebrity wannabes, who follow their every whim and fancy and latest purchase by reading those gossip columns (nestled inside those uber-leftist newspapers) – welcome to American Royalty. Bush may be your president. But face it – Paris Hilton is your Queen.

On Actors...

I watched Oprah’s Oscar special on Thursday night. Famous Oscar winners were paired up and let loose. The first pair was George Clooney and Julia Roberts. They barbequed at Clooney’s Hollywood Hills and took a call from Brad Pitt. It should have all seemed too glamorous and intangible to the home viewer – but it wasn’t. Watching these people in a pseudo-natural habitat ( come on, how natural can you be with cameras and assistants all around), made me realize something big – no HUGE : Actors are rather boring people.

Their blocking was off, the lighting could have been tweaked, and the script was all over the place. Most importantly, their dialogue needed a lot of work. Julia repeated the same question incessantly (“are you dating anyone”) to the point where someone needed to yell “cut”!

And as to George being such a funny guy? Well, he wasn’t NOT funny. He remined me of a fun bachelor-type uncle you visit who has the same one-liner that made you laugh when you were a kid. He was funny in a self-deprecating kind of way.

The second pair was Russell Crowe and Nicole Kidman. These two were really something. Actors are so sensitive. Both were constantly on the verge of tears. It makes sense. If they are good actors (especially of the dramatic variety) then they need to tap into a well of sensitivity just below the surface. That’s why they are so unpredictable.

And it wasn’t like they were talking about losing a dog, or a child, or a parent. What made them tear up were issues they battled with themselves. Nicole: “I don’t understand why people think you are so volatile and aggressive”. Russell: (holding back tears) “They just don’t understand.” That’s not word-for-word but close enough.

As for Nicole Kidman, ten years married to Tom Cruise was plenty of time for the aliens to re-shape her body into something un-human. Is that even her real hairline? What’s with the monotone voice, anyway?

The third pair was Sidney Poitier and Jaime Foxx. I’m not sure how I feel about Jaime Foxx. He is definitely a great entertainer - I saw him at a fundraiser and he rocked the piano with his colorful Ray Charles impression. He managed to get a few hundred 60+ Jewish philanthropists to get up onto their feet and boogie like they were black. But I’m starting to think that’s what his shtick is - he is a great entertainer, not necessarily a great actor. Does anyone remember “In Living Color”? Sure he knows how to “do” Ray Charles and even “do” Sidney Poitier right in front of him – but I feel like it’s all his gimmick. Sidney Poitier, on the other hand, seemed like a great person. Really genuine, and human.

So, my overall impression of Oprah’s first ever Oscar pre-show? Actors are a pretty boring bunch……with a mess of issues. They are too sensitive, self-critical and self-involved (what, you’re surprised?). They like to gab with their friends about anything and nothing, and they have in-jokes which only they understand. My conclusion? Actors are pretty normal people. Without a great writer and a great script, they are just like you and me (well maybe you - I am a writer, after all).