The American Monarchists - Say It Ain't So

Gossip columns including my favorite daily rag,"The Daily Dish" in the San Francisco Chronicle, regularly publish the shocking tales of egotistical celebrities and their outlandish requests.

What was on the menu this past week? Sting goes to a *posh* Miami eatery with his own personal chef in tow. The Dish reports that his assistant made these special arrangements beforehand (as a former personal assistant, any good celebrity does this). Earlier in the week, Prince requests old-fashioned popcorn as part of his deal to headline a concert. Before that, Babs demands hotel employees to avert their eyes when speaking to her. Did they really need to be told this?

Don't people already know that if you look deep into the eyes of a celebrity, you will be fired up, zapped away, time-warped and incinerated by their steely gaze into an alternate universe full of designer couture, E! True Hollywood Story reruns and David Beckham posters? Or maybe, they just don't want you to know they lack a soul - the kind us normal folk have. The truth, such a request is not all that preposterous. In the world of celebrity, actors are the royals and everyone else is, well, those peons who do their bidding.

It's kind of ironic that my favorite celebrity rag, and as far as I know, the only one that associates itself with a big city newspaper like the San Francisco Chronicle, is, well, a product of the city by the bay. The Chronicle is liberal....very liberal. They are environmental, intellectual, and I'm sure quite anti-monarchical.

And yet, celebrities are far less worthy than your decent run of the mill monarch. Celebrities, for example, make more money and have less good works to show for it. Unless third-world baby collecting à la Angelina counts as good works. They chose to be a celebrity - in fact, that was their goal. I wonder how many child monarchs over the course of history felt conflicted, depressed or under-prepared for their role. Ask any celebrity (or just plain any actor) and they feel they deserve all the great things they get. They aren’t conflicted. Shoot, they are the crème de la crème! Gods gift to everyone!

This also applies to lukewarm celebrities, even cold celebrities. Does anyone watch Kathy Griffin's "My Life on the D-List?" Sure she's funny and the fact that her personal assistant has a personal assistant is a hoot (actually, I could have used a personal assistant when I was a P.A.), but even she herself mentions she is a D-list celebrity – and do you see how she lives? I wish I was a D-List celebrity to live in a bangin’ Hollywood Hills home like that.

So no matter what level of celebrity-dom someone belongs to, they all feel entitled. And, in a way, that’s part of the attitude required to be successful in the entertainment business. But it’s not all. ‘Cause most of the Midwestern-transplants, college dropouts and the assortment of actors and singers in the L.A. area feel entitled but they don’t deserve a damn.

The other part of the equation is hard work and perseverance. You are not going to get by only with a pretty face and a nice rack. You have to work hard and be diligent. You have to be shrewd and conniving. You can’t just be in the right room – you have to know how to work it.

So maybe that’s why people put up with so much from famous actors and actresses. They know how to get what they want. And as far as all the peons of normal people, or celebrity wannabes, who follow their every whim and fancy and latest purchase by reading those gossip columns (nestled inside those uber-leftist newspapers) – welcome to American Royalty. Bush may be your president. But face it – Paris Hilton is your Queen.